yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
