i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize
