paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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