i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Send help, water and tortillas.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
