i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
