If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
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