Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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