my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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