I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
