I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
