First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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