i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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