i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Someone shattered a urinal.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
