he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I woke up under a house in Key West
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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