Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
