he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
