Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
