Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
