Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Randomize
