It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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