The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
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