I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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