dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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