I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
