you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
tonight lets celebrate not being married
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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