ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
