Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
