I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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