I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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