I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
