last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
