don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
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