Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
