you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
