she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
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Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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