you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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