Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
