You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
