3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
