pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
you had me at cake vodka
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
