just tell him i said nine months
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
