you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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