quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
