so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
