I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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