Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
