He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
These tits shall not be calmed
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
