I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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