I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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