I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
