I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
