hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
