so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
