Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Randomize
