I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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