I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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