She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
