the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
