wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
